Authentic

Not false or imitation; REAL, ACTUAL

True to ones own personality, spirit, or character

I don't struggle with the later. I feel like 98% of the time I am not afraid of being myself, and all that that encompasses. Even when that might mean drawing attention to myself and standing out, I've never minded being my normal, outgoing self. I've never minded the attention from dressing different and acting different as a Christian. Do you know what is hard for me though?

Being REAL about diabetes on my social media platforms. 

I don't mind being real with other diabetics, they get it you know? They don't see it as grumbling or complaining or feel sorry for the lot you've been dealt. They are just like, "Yeah girl! Tell me about it! I get it! It stinks!" without all the extra emotions and sad, "I'm sorry you have to deal with this" comments.

My diabetes Instagram page is public. That means that most you seeing/liking my posts are family and friends. Honestly, I just HATE being real with those people. I hate being vulnerable, feeing like I am posting about my difficulties for attention, or wondering if people feel sorry for me. 

Even in the hospital at 16, I didn't want the boy I was talking to to come see me in the hospital. I felt exposed, vulnerable and weak.

The truth is, no matter how well controlled you are, diabetes is HARD. No matter how cute and fun you try to make it, it's still multiple daily injections and squeezing blood out of your finger on the regular. Its still laying down at night wondering if its okay to go to sleep at 90 without a snack because you aren't sure you'll wake up if you go low. It still putting things on hold to check, bolus and rest when your body says you need to. 

I don't like that. I want to do whatever I want without worrying, I want to be independent, I don't want everyone to know how serious it is, because I can't stand being fussed over. 

I don't HIDE my diabetes, and I am not ashamed of it. But I am afraid of showing my weaknesses. Afraid to admit that sometimes I need a reminder to check my sugar, I need someone to run and grab me a snack. I HATE feeling dependent on other people. 

As a Christian, I strive to, "Do all things without murmuring and complaining" (Philippians 2:14-15). If I show I struggle, doesn't that mean I undermine God's ability to keep me? If I admit I am depressed and frustrated, doesn't that show I'm not fully surrendering my emotions to Christ?

The truth is, its easier to act like I have it all together. Its less embarrassing then being open and real about my daily life. But who is that helping? If people never know my weaknesses how can they ever see Christs redeeming power and strength? If I never show I'm struggling, how can people ever know I have been delivered? 

So here it is. I commit to you, my readers and followers, to try not to second guess my raw and real confessions. I commit to you to do my best to expose what life is truly like for me some days. I also commit, to always give the glory back to God for keeping me on those days!

I challenge you, whatever your struggles are, to be open and honest about them. Shed light on them. When it is brought into the light it can be dealt with! When exposed it is no longer a dark, hidden, thing, but something that is lit and can be explored and handled. 

How I Manage Diabetes without Insurance

Hey friends! 

It has been a minute. I want/need to get more regular about posting. I know no-one reads this blog currently, but I have to have some posts for people to back read when I get famous, right? 😉

I wanted to dedicate a post to explaining some of the programs and devices I use, that are cost effective, to help manage my medical conditions, as a chronically ill person without insurance. We are going to do this as a quick, 3 part post with a brief description of each one. 

Number One: GoodRX (Levothyroxine)

 

Okay, so I am sure some of you have heard of this. I am unsure of how it works, all I know is, my pharmacy has it on file and it automatically adds a discount to my prescriptions. The ONLY drug I purchase through my pharmacy is my Synthroid (Levothyroxine), which is what I take to manage my hypothyroidism. Its about $20 for a 90 day supply. Then where do I get my insulin and test strips you ask? This is a great lead-in to...

Number Two: RXSavers (Insulin)

Now, unfortunately, I am not completely sure how this works either. I did not sign up for this online, but rather, a third party insurance broker completed the paperwork for me when I signed up for private insurance at some point (my various attempts at gaining/keeping medical insurance is a WHOLE other story/post). Basically, the way it works is, I pay this company $50 a month, and they supply me with up to 7 prescriptions, which, of course, includes my insulin (I have not added levothyroxine, I'm not sure if I tried and it wasn't eligible or what) for FREE (well, minus the $50). I think that they petition various companies on behalf to enroll me in insulin assistance programs. The pros here are, of course, affordable insulin. They call me to confirm info, and make sure my Drs office receives the insulin, then I go pick it up. So far, I have not run out, and they automatically send it. They have also included pen needles in this order once. Also note: you are only eligible for the program is you make less than 46,000 yearly. Okay so, what about test strips? Cause paying for those suckers out of pocket would be INSANELY EXPENSIVE....

 Number Two: Center Health Nano Meter and Strips

I get 100 test strips a month, for just $20. I was skeptical of this at first, but honestly, it has been a life saver. The Nano is a meter that, get this, plugs into your phone (in Apple and Android options)! I have used it for several months with only 2 instances where I couldn't get it to work. Sometimes I have to unplug it and plug it back in to get it going, but probably 90% of the time it works beautifully and seems to be accurate. This biggest disadvantage, of course, would be, your phone dying. A way around that is just keeping your phone charged (ha!) or having your close friends/family members that you are with often also have the app downloaded, so you can use their phones. I will give a FULL review of this product soon I hope. 

So that's all! Please know that I would NEVER recommend going without health insurance if you have a choice. Someday I will share my full background story on this and the circumstances that have led me to being without insurance for the time being. If you do, heaven forbid, someday get stuck without insurance, or are currently in the boat with me, I hope that this information will prove useful to you. 

Stay True!

NEEDLES

"Oh my word I hate needles"

"I am legit scared of them"

"I could never give myself shot"

"How do you do that?!"

Cause I would die if didn't Susan. I would die. 😂

Seriously though, I am SO thankful that I was not deathly afraid of needles when I was diagnosed. I remember the first time I gave myself shot. I started to do it, clenched up and drew the needle back right before I hit the skin on my belly. Then I just took a deep breath, and stabbed myself.

I've been doin it ever since 😆

The insulin prescription program accidentally sent me VIALS of insulin this last time. Of course, this was right when my endo office shut down cause of the 'rona and I had limited access to figure out how to fix the problem and get some pens. So, I just called my regular drs office and asked if a nurse could call me in some syringes. "What size?" she asked. "Just the smallest size there is".

SURELY THIS IS NOT THE SMALLEST SIZE KAREN. SURELY.

This is the syringe in comparison to my usual BD pen needles.

Man! I am not scared of needles, but it took a little gumption to stick that sucker in myself. 😆😭

I can honestly barely feel it though *shrug*

Whats the biggest shot you've ever given yourself? I know some of you have to take IM (intramuscular) injections for vitamins and stuff. I know thems BIG 😳

You number ☝ for hitting your thigh with those bad boys!

Because you know I'm all about that pump

All About That Cure | JDRF

AHHHH how cute is this?! Its one of my favorite things! I just wanted to hop on real quick to share how I feel about medical technology (the Omnipod. specifically). I remember feeling so left out when I was first diagnosed because I didn't have all the fancy medical devices that everyone else had. 

Now that I have had those devices, and am unable to use them currently, I have my own opinions. 

I really loved/still love omnipod. I never experienced a tether pump, and I'd like to some time, but ominpod was/is truly awesome. When my insurance stuff got jacked up and I was no longer able to get medical equipment, I still had about 10 pods left. I have kept them and used them on occasion when I've felt burnt out. I have, in recent weeks, lost a lot of my appetite, but I think I've discovered the main cause of this- I'm lazy. 

Here is the succession of events for eating for me during quarantine:

1.  Decide if I am eating carbs 
2.  Make food
3.  Go hunt down my insulin pen or a syringe and vial of insulin (this is sometimes a daunting task, as I have been leaving stuff laying all over creation since I've been home all the time)
4.  Change my needle (maybe or not)
5.  Calculate carbs
6.  Take a shot
7.  Eat

Its honestly exhausting 😆 And I'm honestly just lazy. Plus, I've forgotten my insulin once or twice on the occasions when I have gone out, just because I got used to being at home where everything was readily available. 

So, I put on a leftover pod a couple days ago. HALLELUJAH FREEDOM. Oh man it was nice. Press a couple buttons and BAM insulin on the way and I can go about my life.  

My Endo recently told me that pumps are a "lifestyle" not really a medical necessity. Which I totally get. We decided that I cant wear a pump without wasting 20-30 units of insulin each time I wear one, because I cant use up the minimum amount required for a site change. I really felt like that was my answer on a pump- if it wastes insulin, its not worth it. 

But HOLY SMOKES its just so much easier 😩

I almost feel like my mental sanity is worth that 20-30 unit insulin waste if I ever get good incurance again. 

What are your thoughts?

Quick Humor and Deep Thoughts

Just wanted to hop on here and share this...
I was reading an adventure romance novel the other day where the couple was basically trekking the desserts of Africa. They stopped to sit atop a sand dune for a picnic.
I had this split second thought....
How is she keeping her insulin cold in the dessert? 
I laughed out loud. Then I thought how nice it must be to trek across a dessert and not worry about your blood sugar.
I think it is so crazy how normal these things (diabetes care) can become! To where it is literally ingrained in us that our subconscious automatically imagines every person has to think about the same things.

Sometimes, I think that makes it easier. I know diabetes should never be an "after thought" per say, but it almost becomes completely natural to do all the diabetes things because, well, it has to be natural if we want to live!

There are definitely times that it does not come naturally to me to think about my blood sugar. I eat relatively clean, minus the occasional breakdown/binge, and my blood sugar remains stable and controlled most of the time (Thank the Lord!) so sometimes I truly do forget.

During this quarantine especially, I am out of my routine of taking supplies with me everywhere I go. My sister lives beside us essentially, so we eat dinner and do things with them often. I walked up the hill to her house for dinner with my parents the other night, and then after getting there and sitting down to eat, I realized I didn't bring any insulin.

UGH I was so frustrated to have to walk back home to get it, and by the time I got back they were all mostly done with dinner. Its days like these I wish I had a pump. Its a little harder to forget something that's attached to you 😆

My boyfriend reminds me via phone (we are long distance) to check my BG every night. Without him there are definitely times I forget or just am half asleep and decide I feel fine and don't need to. I know, not safe, but I can count on one hand the times I've went low in the middle of the night.

Either way, since staying home all the time, my blood sugar has been around 120 going to bed every night. I like that predictability! I think its because I'm not eating out and I don't eat processed sugar when I eat at home.

I hope you all are holding up. Know you have my love, thoughts, and prayers!

Swing Low

Actually, please don't.

"If you are dating a girl who carries around juice boxes she's either too young for you or diabetic"

I've went low at least once everyday for the past four days. Mostly just due to over-blousing, not having the right carb count, or my eyes being bigger than my stomach. No matter the cause, it is less than pleasant.

I think everyone must experience lows differently. I have a friend who says they make her want to go sleep. Most people say they get super hungry. Others say they get sweaty and shaky. I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but when I'm low my chest gets tight. I start breathing really quick and heavy and I have a hard time organizing/expressing my thoughts. Sometimes I get really goofy, other times I'm really grumpy. Sometimes I have a hot flash, other times I cant walk straight. 

What are your low symptoms? 

*This is a post that was written in 2015 but is just now being published ;)

I'll add to this (in 2020) that I have had a few ROUGH lows. One time I pre-bolused at a restaurant that is usually really fast and they took WAY too long to bring food and I thought I would pass out. I was soaked in sweat by the time I flagged down a waitress to bring me something to treat. Often times if I get below 60, I have to lay in the floor or on a table to keep from paniking and over-correcting until the feeling of death passes. 

What are some of your low stories? 

All the Feels (the good, bad and ugly)

The good: my A1C was like, 5.6 or some craziness and I am in a prescription assistance program so that I can get insulin for free now (more on that later)!

The bad and the ugly, however, is the rest.

I promised in a recent social media post that I would share with you some questions I asked my Endo at a recent visit. Before I do though, I want to explain what drove me to these questions. You need to know a little bit about my insulin needs.

Truth is- I use very little insulin (some of you might know this already) and honestly I have even thought before, "How can I be type 1?" I use so much less insulin than anyone I've ever talked to in the diabetes community. This has always made me feel like an outsider, like a type one that's "not legit". I was recently denied the opportunity to participate in a drug trial that would have been extremely beneficial to me, because my "pancreatic function was too high".

For those of you whose only experience with diabetes is my myself,  here are some numbers for comparison: I can get away with FIVE units of long acting insulin, while some type ones can need as much as THIRTY or even more.

To type ones out there for some perspective, I cant even use up a minimum reservoir on a pump and usually ended up wasting insulin when I wore an omnipod.

Now, all that to say: my endo has told me multiple times I am a classically diagnosed type one with antibodies that prove for sure that I am dealing with autoimmune diabetes. But I wanted to know for sure at this last appointment..... could I get away with not taking insulin?

The answer was a hard no. My endocrinologist told me that because I have the potential to spike to the 300s (no matter how rare it may be) that I must continue insulin therapy. She does not recommend a closed loop system because she does not see it as necessary. She does not know of any pumps with a low enough reservoir to avoid wasting insulin. We cannot do inhalable insulin for mealtime boluses because of the increments it comes in. I absolutely cannot take any oral medicinal replacement for insulin.

So I honestly feel stuck.

Stuck with 4-5 injections a day and destined to be bruised and pricked multiple times a day even though we have technology to prevent (or at least decrease) that.

Oh goodness, I know I should not complain. I am so thankful my diabetes is less work to manage than most peoples. That I sleep good at night. That I do not often deal with crazy swings in my numbers.

But what STINKS is that I STILL have to prick, I still have to stick. I feel like I am teetering on this edge of true illness and faking it, but its a quick fall to reality when I truly do not put forth effort to manage my numbers (even if its less than others have to).

I have a chronic illness. One that will never go away. I have to remind myself of this, because sometimes I don't feel "worthy" to be labeled "type one". Ugh. How DUMB.

Well, there it all is, aired out in the open. I don't understand the purpose or see a point to this, but I'll bet I am not the only one who carries these type of weights.

No matter what I may feel however, the truth that I am sure of deep down in my heart is this: MY STRUGGLES DO NOT DEFINE ME and I should never seek to find contentment by looking around and comparing myself to others.

What happened when Peter started looking around? He SANK. DONT sink. The waves of depression, discontentment, discouragement, sadness, they are all waiting to overtake you.

Remember to look at Jesus. To take his hand. To trust him and whatever he is planning for your life.

Its difficult to explain why needing so little insulin is frustrating and why its hard to be thankful for the positive. I can see how none of this may make sense to someone who doesn't live in my brain.
But oh my friends, hear this: I find comfort in knowing that I can express my feelings, the good the bad and the ugly, to a God who understands and cares about every part of me.

Loving my body (NOT as a plus sized social media influencer or totally toned, protein loving, gym-going junkie)

Okay so I had this grand post idea where I was going to share my current lifestyle choices with food, explain the change in my mentality towards food, and explain my whole journey towards that mentality as well as share how I drink my coffee and eat my salads.

Well I started typing all this and realized it was WAY too much for one post. Ha! So, we are going to start with the back story here in comparison to now, and I'll post soon about coffee and salads. This is where our story starts:

13-17 year old Kelby, when interacting with any girl close to her age:

 "OH MY GOSH if I hear one more girl say she needs to go the gym I am going to smack someone" 

"If one more average sized girl says she is fat again, I will smack myself"

"OH MY WORD YOU LOOK FINE please stop asking me 895 times if your hair looks okay!!"

Granted, this is coming from teenage Kelby. Lemme explain teenage Kelby to those of you who were fortunate enough to miss out on knowing me personally during this time of my life. Lets try to describe me in 4 words...well sentences/phrases and endless parenthesis...: 

1.  Baggy clothes (usually a floor length jean skirt and random patterned shirt)
2. "Messy" buns (Not the cute kind... imagine 4 ft of hair wrapped around itself and secured with ONE pony tail holder)
3.  Total disregard for any current fashions (meaning I probably did the OPPOSITE of what was trendy ON PURPOSE)
4.  Not even attempting to attract the opposite sex or fit in with other girls my age in any way, shape or form

I am not exaggerating. I literally did the opposite of what everyone else did because I detested girls who were hung up on themselves (even though, lets be honest, MOST teenage girls are like this because they are just insecure and trying to figure out life). But I was not like that. I ate all the cupcakes, did all the things that were NOT trendy or attractive, and just bee-bopped through life mostly happy and content with myself. 

I credit my parents and wonderful upbringing with this beautiful mentality, but also slightly faulty perspective of genuinely not caring about my body or looks.

I was dx with type one in 2015, at age 16, at which point I had lost around 10 lbs but easily gained it back with a few extra pounds in the next couple years. Contrary to what you think I'm going to say here, "I realized the importance of diet and exercise and fixed my mindset" I actually kind of spiraled downward. My whole mentality of type one was, "I can eat a cupcake if I want and you cant stop me" in addition to, "This disease doesn't have to control me or affect my lifestyle". Ouch.

That's not altogether wrong, but I was viewing everything SO wrong. My perspective was so twisted.

*Disclaimer: Just because I felt like I could live this way, did not mean I was always comfortable in my own skin. Everyone wants to have a flat stomach, be a certain "goal" weight or look a certain way in that perfect dress. But because my heart condition/perspective wasn't in the right place, I could never achieve what I considered perfection because I was either so afraid of being like every other girl and worrying too much about my body, or too caught up in not being happy with myself that the solution was stress eating or short term binges of exercising when I would get self-conscience. So I was a mess!

I love food.

Lets get that straight. A this point in my life I hated salads 😝, veggies, and anything that was not heavy in carbs and/or fats.

Food became my coping strategy

After a hard day at work, I would hit up a barbeque joint and eat away my feelings with fried chicken, potato wedges, hushpuppies and piles of honey mustard or ranch. (Imma be honest, my mouth is watering rn). I was sucker for sweets, but instead of just enjoying one, I couldn't stop myself and would eat and eat and eat until I just couldn't hold anymore (7-8 cookies later). What a rough spot to be in.

My sisters and mom kept pushing me to eat healthy, which always felt like somewhat of an insult, but was meant with all the good intentions in the world.

My endo told me that because it was easier for me than most people to manage my blood sugars, I should get tighter control of my spikes. I began considering the following:

Co 6:19  "What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?"

This was Jesus in response to my (then) perspective on my body: "WHAT?" 😂

Essentially, I began over 6 months ago trying to change my perspective on food. 

 I got on a bandwagon with my sisters and my mom and they helped me, supported me, and cheered me on. I now still get to eat good things, just with less of a focus on living to eat. I will go into more detail on just how I changed my eating habits and what that looks like for my diabetes in a future post, but right now I just want to say this.

I still love food!

I eat a good brownie, piece of cake, or box of french fries every once in awhile. But now, instead of not caring, I also keep in mind how these decisions are affecting my body. My arteries, my heart health, my blood sugar. These reminders help me reign in my tendencies to stress eat or binge sweets. My overall lifestyle has changed, but when I'm eating out or on Holiday I still get to enjoy food because I don't obsess over it. However, I eat GOOD yummy food that is GOOD for me on a daily basis.

Sure, I have lost weight and that's nice, but I am happier all around because I feel better and I know my body is happy because I am taking care of it. My diabetes management is SO much better too! Because I am eating purposefully.

Exercise is still hit or miss, I am not going to lie there. I'm still lazy. So we gotta work on that. 😂

But, what I want you to take away from this is: eating healthy does not mean you have to be obsessed with your appearance or body image. And being obsessed with you appearance or body image is NOT the right reason to eat healthy or change your lifestyle.

LOVING your body does not mean being happy with it being overweight and leading to health complications. You can prove to whomever that you are happy in your skin without being plus size.

Because truly loving your body means TAKING CARE of it. 

Wether that means your weight is a little above average or not. You can rest in knowing that you do what is best for your body regardless of if it lines up with cultural norms.

For me, my body is the temple of Christ. As a Christian, it is my duty to take care of my body to the best of my abilities, because I am commanded to.

So my friend, I hope you can find this happy medium and this beautiful balance like I have. Because I am loving this lifestyle!


P.S. I do actually fix my hair and wear clothes that fit me now (most of the time). Just needed to add that 😆

I almost quit social media AGAIN... and heres why

"No one will follow me if I don't post attractive pictures of me showing off my medical devices" 

"I am not like everyone else because I don't need much insulin, and my sugar stays in range without much effort, and I don't have a pump or CGM"

"I am not a 'true' type one diabetic"

"I am not relatable" 

Shew! Felt good to get that out there! I want to talk about comparing yourself to others... whether that be other diabetics, famous people, or peers. 

All of the phrases I listed above are things my inner self has struggled with, especially upon my recent re-enrtry back into the diabetes world on social media (Instagram specifically). I found myself straight DEPRESSED. Discontent with being device-less, wishing I was more like every other diabetic so I could be relatable, wishing I had more followers, more likes, more comments and better pictures. 

And so I was like, forget this! I was much better off without social media. I was happy with my glucometer and MDIs. I didn't even hardly THINK about having diabetes. Now all the sudden I'm stressed about not having devices, not having enough followers, and being so different from every flourishing diabetic on social media. UGH. 

I had a well-meaning follower tell me one time, "Maybe your a little bit cured!" because I cut out my long acting insulin while on a mission trip. "I would've been in DKA!", she says. 

I was recently refused the opportunity to participate in a clinical drug trial by higher ups because, "My pancreatic function was too high" although my doctor, research coordinator, and diabetes educator agreed I was PERFECT for this study and classically diagnosed type one diabetic (abnormally high GAD antibodies and all). The drug they were testing was supposed to stop or delay the autoimmune process. 

I don't have my pump or CGM right now because I don't have medical insurance, and I was totally fine without them until I got back on Instagram and felt like a total outsider to the diabetes community. 

I have felt like an outsider most of my life, ever since I was old enough to realize how different I am. I dress different than most people because of my personal convictions, I don't do things other people do or go the same places as other people my age. So its not a new feeling. 

When I was first diagnosed I was SO excited to go to a women's conference hosted by our local JDRF chapter. I was 16 (newly diagnosed) and with my mom. All the girls had devices. They all had been diabetic since they were 5 or 6 years old. I felt so, "not in the loop" around these people who I was supposed to share common ground with. This group that was exclusive, with a focus on a rare disease and difficult lifestyle that I and everyone else there had. Surely I should have felt normal here!

But I didn't. And you know what? Its OKAY to be different. Its OKAY to share common ground, but on different levels. Your self worth does not come from how relatable you are to people on social media that you probably don't even know or other diabetics who have better or worse numbers than you.  

Its okay if you take 5 units of Tresiba and have a high carb ratio! Its okay if you need 50 units of long acting and barely any short acting! These things do not make you type one or not type one. I have autoimmune diabetes, and my bet is you do too. I can grantee we are different in how we manage or illness and you know why?  Here's some relieving news: WE DONT LIVE IN THE SAME BODY OR HAVE THE SAME BRAIN! Autoimmune diabetes IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have little contol over what your body does or does not do.

For me, my fulfillment, my self-worth, and my overall contentment is based in Jesus Christ. Its so easy to look at other people (especially as women) and wish we were just a little skinnier, a little more popular, or had clothes that were a little cuter or more revealing. 

But YOU my friend... YOU are SO much more than what everyone else's social media posts tell you you need to be. You be YOU. You do YOU. 

2 Corinthians 10:12

"For we dare not make ourselves of the number, [for they] comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise"

1 Corinthians 6:20

"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's"

So whether you are a mom struggling to fit into every mold that every other mom is trying to smoosh you into, or you are a teenager discontent with how you pose for photos, how you look, or what you have to wear, or a diabetic who feels like no one gets you, please remember you are unique, perfect and I think you are AWESOME. 

So I almost quit social media AGAIN. But I didnt. Because I want to keep sharing, learning, and relating in any way that I can.