I almost quit social media AGAIN... and heres why

"No one will follow me if I don't post attractive pictures of me showing off my medical devices" 

"I am not like everyone else because I don't need much insulin, and my sugar stays in range without much effort, and I don't have a pump or CGM"

"I am not a 'true' type one diabetic"

"I am not relatable" 

Shew! Felt good to get that out there! I want to talk about comparing yourself to others... whether that be other diabetics, famous people, or peers. 

All of the phrases I listed above are things my inner self has struggled with, especially upon my recent re-enrtry back into the diabetes world on social media (Instagram specifically). I found myself straight DEPRESSED. Discontent with being device-less, wishing I was more like every other diabetic so I could be relatable, wishing I had more followers, more likes, more comments and better pictures. 

And so I was like, forget this! I was much better off without social media. I was happy with my glucometer and MDIs. I didn't even hardly THINK about having diabetes. Now all the sudden I'm stressed about not having devices, not having enough followers, and being so different from every flourishing diabetic on social media. UGH. 

I had a well-meaning follower tell me one time, "Maybe your a little bit cured!" because I cut out my long acting insulin while on a mission trip. "I would've been in DKA!", she says. 

I was recently refused the opportunity to participate in a clinical drug trial by higher ups because, "My pancreatic function was too high" although my doctor, research coordinator, and diabetes educator agreed I was PERFECT for this study and classically diagnosed type one diabetic (abnormally high GAD antibodies and all). The drug they were testing was supposed to stop or delay the autoimmune process. 

I don't have my pump or CGM right now because I don't have medical insurance, and I was totally fine without them until I got back on Instagram and felt like a total outsider to the diabetes community. 

I have felt like an outsider most of my life, ever since I was old enough to realize how different I am. I dress different than most people because of my personal convictions, I don't do things other people do or go the same places as other people my age. So its not a new feeling. 

When I was first diagnosed I was SO excited to go to a women's conference hosted by our local JDRF chapter. I was 16 (newly diagnosed) and with my mom. All the girls had devices. They all had been diabetic since they were 5 or 6 years old. I felt so, "not in the loop" around these people who I was supposed to share common ground with. This group that was exclusive, with a focus on a rare disease and difficult lifestyle that I and everyone else there had. Surely I should have felt normal here!

But I didn't. And you know what? Its OKAY to be different. Its OKAY to share common ground, but on different levels. Your self worth does not come from how relatable you are to people on social media that you probably don't even know or other diabetics who have better or worse numbers than you.  

Its okay if you take 5 units of Tresiba and have a high carb ratio! Its okay if you need 50 units of long acting and barely any short acting! These things do not make you type one or not type one. I have autoimmune diabetes, and my bet is you do too. I can grantee we are different in how we manage or illness and you know why?  Here's some relieving news: WE DONT LIVE IN THE SAME BODY OR HAVE THE SAME BRAIN! Autoimmune diabetes IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have little contol over what your body does or does not do.

For me, my fulfillment, my self-worth, and my overall contentment is based in Jesus Christ. Its so easy to look at other people (especially as women) and wish we were just a little skinnier, a little more popular, or had clothes that were a little cuter or more revealing. 

But YOU my friend... YOU are SO much more than what everyone else's social media posts tell you you need to be. You be YOU. You do YOU. 

2 Corinthians 10:12

"For we dare not make ourselves of the number, [for they] comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise"

1 Corinthians 6:20

"For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's"

So whether you are a mom struggling to fit into every mold that every other mom is trying to smoosh you into, or you are a teenager discontent with how you pose for photos, how you look, or what you have to wear, or a diabetic who feels like no one gets you, please remember you are unique, perfect and I think you are AWESOME. 

So I almost quit social media AGAIN. But I didnt. Because I want to keep sharing, learning, and relating in any way that I can.

Death by Holidays (goodbye honeymoon phase)

Alright, I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m stressed out, super busy, or on vacation, I get a little lax in my management if you know what I mean. Finals week, Thanksgiving, and Christmas vacation are all perfect examples of this. Finals week was, well, stressful. And when I’m stressed out, I like to eat. I mean, who doesn’t love a good a candy bar when you’re on the brink of mental collapse? (Okay, that may have been a slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean) When I say “lax in management” I don’t mean that I completely stop taking insulin or ignore a bad BG reading. It means that I snack more than I should, don’t check as often as I need to, and fail to stay within my normal carb range. I try to shoot for around 45-60 carbs meal. Well obviously, that goal is not even realistic on Thanksgiving.

Let’s start with Thanksgiving. Lots of food, right? Want a general idea of HOW MUCH food? I took nine units of insulin to account for my loaded down plate. At a bolus ratio of 1-15, that means it was about 135 carbs. Post-Thanksgiving meal, my tummy was NOT happy with me. As a diabetic, I rarely eat until I am stuffed. And this was the first time since the beginning of this year (my diagnosis) that I had really gorged. And oh boy did I pay for it! The stomach cramps that night that followed were NOT pleasant. I can’t remember if I checked my BG before bed or not. Forgetting to check my BG before bed was a bad phase for a while (more on that later). So after Thanksgiving I seemed to be having difficulties staying in range. So I monitored my carb intake, insulin dosage, and BG’s closely for a couple days then decided to bump up my bolus rate. So I started doing a unit to every 12 carbs instead of 15. I also upped my daily injected of Lantus from 5 to 7 units.

So that was Thanksgiving. Now on to Christmas.

Pretty much same story, different holiday. Poor control, snacks, too many carbs, too much food in general, ect, ect. This past week I was out of state visiting a friend before school starts back. All week I kept seeing a reoccurring high post-prandial (after meal) BG. So, I upped my intake again, and tried 1-9 for a couple meals, with results still above my preference. Another bump down, and I seem to be back on level ground with a 1-7 ratio.

Now I’m wondering if I might need to give Lantus another bump up, considering I went to bed last night with a BG of 113, and woke up with a 130.

I said all that to say this: Honeymoon period is obviously either over, or in fast decline, and I can’t help but wonder if I was responsible. Did all that over-eating, inconsistent snacking, and irresponsible management finally send my pancreas over the edge? It’s a question worth asking, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to admit all of the above to my endo next week. He’s bound to notice those highs and missing bedtime BG’s. Good thing he is a super nice guy.

 ~Regretful T1D

BAD Days

Have you ever had a bad day with diabetes? Not a bad day as in, my numbers are all over the place and I have no idea why because Ive done everything right, but a bad day as in, wow I ate too many carbs, didn't check my BG when I should have and didn't inject at the right time. Its about to get real y'all...

My BG is currently 235. You know why? I ate out all day, for starters. A biscuit for breakfast, a burger and fries for lunch, and Japanese for dinner. I also had ice cream after lunch, and a Klondike bar after dinner. I'm sharing this, not because I am unashamed, because certainly anyone who is as glutenous as I was today should feel a little remorse, but because I want you to know that sometimes a lot of times I mess up. 

My sugar likes to go high on Sunday evenings anyhow, so when I checked my BG before eating out with a friend this evening, it was no surprise I was tad high (166). I bolused as well as I could without an exact carb count, and ate, probably using too much shrimp sauce (contributing factor #1). Then, we stopped by Walmart and I bought Klondike bars (bad decision #2). I remembered I had forgotten to give a correction dose at suppertime so I injected 3 units for 28 carbs instead of two. Pretty rough management here folks- but I'm not done yet. When it came time for my nightly Lantus injection, my friend and I were in the middle of a movie. So what did I do? Put that off until 11pm, when I should have given it at 10 (bad choice #3). 

So this explains why my sugar is high and why I am a failure. Does anyone else ever just NOT care? Of course I care to certain extent, I don't want to go blind, lose limbs or go into kidney failure, but are there times in anyone elses life where you just wish diabetes didn't have to be the center of attention? That you could be careless and get good results? 

Unfortunately, this is not the way life works. In order to obtain good results you have to work hard.
"Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might".
Here's to a better controlled tomorrow. 

Burnout

Everyone experiances burn out at some point and area of their life. Work, School, sometimes even family can becoming overwhelming. So whats the solution? Your tired of work or school? Take a vacation. Your family driving you crazy? Go for a drive and put your phone on silent. Tired of having diabetes?..... *cricket*cricket*

You see, when you are tired of pricking your finger, getting bad results, taking injections, counting carbs, lows, highs, inconsistency..... You have to suck it up and move on. You have to deal with it. Because diabetes doesn't take a vacation. You cant call your pancreas and say, "Hey todays my birthday, can you work for just today so I can eat all the junk I want?". Nope. You can eat that cake- go ahead, but bolus first; check your sugar first.

Im barely three months in to this thing. You know the hard part? It doesn't go away. I will have diabetes when I walk across the stage this Saturday and receive my diploma. When I walk into my first college class, diabetes is gonna be there. T1D will walk me down the isle on my wedding day. It will play an instrumental part in me raising my kids.

You know what else? Its OKAY. Sure its hard, sure its dumb, and sure a cure or healing would be fantastic. But until then, I can do this. We can do this. With Gods grace and help, Im gonna keep on chugging, because quitting isn't an option.

The point of this post: Be encouraged. Even when you get burnt out and fed up, just keep on going. Remember, your not alone in any battle you face.

**Random Updates**
Insulet finally called about my pump. Hopefully it won't be much longer till they hook me up, literally! Oh, and Im getting a new medical ID because I took mine off during senior pics and lost it. You know, typical Kelby thing. The good part is, we ordered interchangeable bands with my new one, so I can match it to my outfits ;)

I had my highest BSR since diagnosis last night.. 220 : ( #inexperianceddiabetic I know y'all have WAY higher sugars than that, but thats pretty high for me. I double checked my dinner bolus and following snacks, but I did everything right, sooo just one of those things I guess.

As always, Stay True!