NEEDLES

"Oh my word I hate needles"

"I am legit scared of them"

"I could never give myself shot"

"How do you do that?!"

Cause I would die if didn't Susan. I would die. 😂

Seriously though, I am SO thankful that I was not deathly afraid of needles when I was diagnosed. I remember the first time I gave myself shot. I started to do it, clenched up and drew the needle back right before I hit the skin on my belly. Then I just took a deep breath, and stabbed myself.

I've been doin it ever since 😆

The insulin prescription program accidentally sent me VIALS of insulin this last time. Of course, this was right when my endo office shut down cause of the 'rona and I had limited access to figure out how to fix the problem and get some pens. So, I just called my regular drs office and asked if a nurse could call me in some syringes. "What size?" she asked. "Just the smallest size there is".

SURELY THIS IS NOT THE SMALLEST SIZE KAREN. SURELY.

This is the syringe in comparison to my usual BD pen needles.

Man! I am not scared of needles, but it took a little gumption to stick that sucker in myself. 😆😭

I can honestly barely feel it though *shrug*

Whats the biggest shot you've ever given yourself? I know some of you have to take IM (intramuscular) injections for vitamins and stuff. I know thems BIG 😳

You number ☝ for hitting your thigh with those bad boys!

Because you know I'm all about that pump

All About That Cure | JDRF

AHHHH how cute is this?! Its one of my favorite things! I just wanted to hop on real quick to share how I feel about medical technology (the Omnipod. specifically). I remember feeling so left out when I was first diagnosed because I didn't have all the fancy medical devices that everyone else had. 

Now that I have had those devices, and am unable to use them currently, I have my own opinions. 

I really loved/still love omnipod. I never experienced a tether pump, and I'd like to some time, but ominpod was/is truly awesome. When my insurance stuff got jacked up and I was no longer able to get medical equipment, I still had about 10 pods left. I have kept them and used them on occasion when I've felt burnt out. I have, in recent weeks, lost a lot of my appetite, but I think I've discovered the main cause of this- I'm lazy. 

Here is the succession of events for eating for me during quarantine:

1.  Decide if I am eating carbs 
2.  Make food
3.  Go hunt down my insulin pen or a syringe and vial of insulin (this is sometimes a daunting task, as I have been leaving stuff laying all over creation since I've been home all the time)
4.  Change my needle (maybe or not)
5.  Calculate carbs
6.  Take a shot
7.  Eat

Its honestly exhausting 😆 And I'm honestly just lazy. Plus, I've forgotten my insulin once or twice on the occasions when I have gone out, just because I got used to being at home where everything was readily available. 

So, I put on a leftover pod a couple days ago. HALLELUJAH FREEDOM. Oh man it was nice. Press a couple buttons and BAM insulin on the way and I can go about my life.  

My Endo recently told me that pumps are a "lifestyle" not really a medical necessity. Which I totally get. We decided that I cant wear a pump without wasting 20-30 units of insulin each time I wear one, because I cant use up the minimum amount required for a site change. I really felt like that was my answer on a pump- if it wastes insulin, its not worth it. 

But HOLY SMOKES its just so much easier 😩

I almost feel like my mental sanity is worth that 20-30 unit insulin waste if I ever get good incurance again. 

What are your thoughts?

All the Feels (the good, bad and ugly)

The good: my A1C was like, 5.6 or some craziness and I am in a prescription assistance program so that I can get insulin for free now (more on that later)!

The bad and the ugly, however, is the rest.

I promised in a recent social media post that I would share with you some questions I asked my Endo at a recent visit. Before I do though, I want to explain what drove me to these questions. You need to know a little bit about my insulin needs.

Truth is- I use very little insulin (some of you might know this already) and honestly I have even thought before, "How can I be type 1?" I use so much less insulin than anyone I've ever talked to in the diabetes community. This has always made me feel like an outsider, like a type one that's "not legit". I was recently denied the opportunity to participate in a drug trial that would have been extremely beneficial to me, because my "pancreatic function was too high".

For those of you whose only experience with diabetes is my myself,  here are some numbers for comparison: I can get away with FIVE units of long acting insulin, while some type ones can need as much as THIRTY or even more.

To type ones out there for some perspective, I cant even use up a minimum reservoir on a pump and usually ended up wasting insulin when I wore an omnipod.

Now, all that to say: my endo has told me multiple times I am a classically diagnosed type one with antibodies that prove for sure that I am dealing with autoimmune diabetes. But I wanted to know for sure at this last appointment..... could I get away with not taking insulin?

The answer was a hard no. My endocrinologist told me that because I have the potential to spike to the 300s (no matter how rare it may be) that I must continue insulin therapy. She does not recommend a closed loop system because she does not see it as necessary. She does not know of any pumps with a low enough reservoir to avoid wasting insulin. We cannot do inhalable insulin for mealtime boluses because of the increments it comes in. I absolutely cannot take any oral medicinal replacement for insulin.

So I honestly feel stuck.

Stuck with 4-5 injections a day and destined to be bruised and pricked multiple times a day even though we have technology to prevent (or at least decrease) that.

Oh goodness, I know I should not complain. I am so thankful my diabetes is less work to manage than most peoples. That I sleep good at night. That I do not often deal with crazy swings in my numbers.

But what STINKS is that I STILL have to prick, I still have to stick. I feel like I am teetering on this edge of true illness and faking it, but its a quick fall to reality when I truly do not put forth effort to manage my numbers (even if its less than others have to).

I have a chronic illness. One that will never go away. I have to remind myself of this, because sometimes I don't feel "worthy" to be labeled "type one". Ugh. How DUMB.

Well, there it all is, aired out in the open. I don't understand the purpose or see a point to this, but I'll bet I am not the only one who carries these type of weights.

No matter what I may feel however, the truth that I am sure of deep down in my heart is this: MY STRUGGLES DO NOT DEFINE ME and I should never seek to find contentment by looking around and comparing myself to others.

What happened when Peter started looking around? He SANK. DONT sink. The waves of depression, discontentment, discouragement, sadness, they are all waiting to overtake you.

Remember to look at Jesus. To take his hand. To trust him and whatever he is planning for your life.

Its difficult to explain why needing so little insulin is frustrating and why its hard to be thankful for the positive. I can see how none of this may make sense to someone who doesn't live in my brain.
But oh my friends, hear this: I find comfort in knowing that I can express my feelings, the good the bad and the ugly, to a God who understands and cares about every part of me.