Authentic

Not false or imitation; REAL, ACTUAL

True to ones own personality, spirit, or character

I don't struggle with the later. I feel like 98% of the time I am not afraid of being myself, and all that that encompasses. Even when that might mean drawing attention to myself and standing out, I've never minded being my normal, outgoing self. I've never minded the attention from dressing different and acting different as a Christian. Do you know what is hard for me though?

Being REAL about diabetes on my social media platforms. 

I don't mind being real with other diabetics, they get it you know? They don't see it as grumbling or complaining or feel sorry for the lot you've been dealt. They are just like, "Yeah girl! Tell me about it! I get it! It stinks!" without all the extra emotions and sad, "I'm sorry you have to deal with this" comments.

My diabetes Instagram page is public. That means that most you seeing/liking my posts are family and friends. Honestly, I just HATE being real with those people. I hate being vulnerable, feeing like I am posting about my difficulties for attention, or wondering if people feel sorry for me. 

Even in the hospital at 16, I didn't want the boy I was talking to to come see me in the hospital. I felt exposed, vulnerable and weak.

The truth is, no matter how well controlled you are, diabetes is HARD. No matter how cute and fun you try to make it, it's still multiple daily injections and squeezing blood out of your finger on the regular. Its still laying down at night wondering if its okay to go to sleep at 90 without a snack because you aren't sure you'll wake up if you go low. It still putting things on hold to check, bolus and rest when your body says you need to. 

I don't like that. I want to do whatever I want without worrying, I want to be independent, I don't want everyone to know how serious it is, because I can't stand being fussed over. 

I don't HIDE my diabetes, and I am not ashamed of it. But I am afraid of showing my weaknesses. Afraid to admit that sometimes I need a reminder to check my sugar, I need someone to run and grab me a snack. I HATE feeling dependent on other people. 

As a Christian, I strive to, "Do all things without murmuring and complaining" (Philippians 2:14-15). If I show I struggle, doesn't that mean I undermine God's ability to keep me? If I admit I am depressed and frustrated, doesn't that show I'm not fully surrendering my emotions to Christ?

The truth is, its easier to act like I have it all together. Its less embarrassing then being open and real about my daily life. But who is that helping? If people never know my weaknesses how can they ever see Christs redeeming power and strength? If I never show I'm struggling, how can people ever know I have been delivered? 

So here it is. I commit to you, my readers and followers, to try not to second guess my raw and real confessions. I commit to you to do my best to expose what life is truly like for me some days. I also commit, to always give the glory back to God for keeping me on those days!

I challenge you, whatever your struggles are, to be open and honest about them. Shed light on them. When it is brought into the light it can be dealt with! When exposed it is no longer a dark, hidden, thing, but something that is lit and can be explored and handled. 

How I Manage Diabetes without Insurance

Hey friends! 

It has been a minute. I want/need to get more regular about posting. I know no-one reads this blog currently, but I have to have some posts for people to back read when I get famous, right? 😉

I wanted to dedicate a post to explaining some of the programs and devices I use, that are cost effective, to help manage my medical conditions, as a chronically ill person without insurance. We are going to do this as a quick, 3 part post with a brief description of each one. 

Number One: GoodRX (Levothyroxine)

 

Okay, so I am sure some of you have heard of this. I am unsure of how it works, all I know is, my pharmacy has it on file and it automatically adds a discount to my prescriptions. The ONLY drug I purchase through my pharmacy is my Synthroid (Levothyroxine), which is what I take to manage my hypothyroidism. Its about $20 for a 90 day supply. Then where do I get my insulin and test strips you ask? This is a great lead-in to...

Number Two: RXSavers (Insulin)

Now, unfortunately, I am not completely sure how this works either. I did not sign up for this online, but rather, a third party insurance broker completed the paperwork for me when I signed up for private insurance at some point (my various attempts at gaining/keeping medical insurance is a WHOLE other story/post). Basically, the way it works is, I pay this company $50 a month, and they supply me with up to 7 prescriptions, which, of course, includes my insulin (I have not added levothyroxine, I'm not sure if I tried and it wasn't eligible or what) for FREE (well, minus the $50). I think that they petition various companies on behalf to enroll me in insulin assistance programs. The pros here are, of course, affordable insulin. They call me to confirm info, and make sure my Drs office receives the insulin, then I go pick it up. So far, I have not run out, and they automatically send it. They have also included pen needles in this order once. Also note: you are only eligible for the program is you make less than 46,000 yearly. Okay so, what about test strips? Cause paying for those suckers out of pocket would be INSANELY EXPENSIVE....

 Number Two: Center Health Nano Meter and Strips

I get 100 test strips a month, for just $20. I was skeptical of this at first, but honestly, it has been a life saver. The Nano is a meter that, get this, plugs into your phone (in Apple and Android options)! I have used it for several months with only 2 instances where I couldn't get it to work. Sometimes I have to unplug it and plug it back in to get it going, but probably 90% of the time it works beautifully and seems to be accurate. This biggest disadvantage, of course, would be, your phone dying. A way around that is just keeping your phone charged (ha!) or having your close friends/family members that you are with often also have the app downloaded, so you can use their phones. I will give a FULL review of this product soon I hope. 

So that's all! Please know that I would NEVER recommend going without health insurance if you have a choice. Someday I will share my full background story on this and the circumstances that have led me to being without insurance for the time being. If you do, heaven forbid, someday get stuck without insurance, or are currently in the boat with me, I hope that this information will prove useful to you. 

Stay True!

NEEDLES

"Oh my word I hate needles"

"I am legit scared of them"

"I could never give myself shot"

"How do you do that?!"

Cause I would die if didn't Susan. I would die. 😂

Seriously though, I am SO thankful that I was not deathly afraid of needles when I was diagnosed. I remember the first time I gave myself shot. I started to do it, clenched up and drew the needle back right before I hit the skin on my belly. Then I just took a deep breath, and stabbed myself.

I've been doin it ever since 😆

The insulin prescription program accidentally sent me VIALS of insulin this last time. Of course, this was right when my endo office shut down cause of the 'rona and I had limited access to figure out how to fix the problem and get some pens. So, I just called my regular drs office and asked if a nurse could call me in some syringes. "What size?" she asked. "Just the smallest size there is".

SURELY THIS IS NOT THE SMALLEST SIZE KAREN. SURELY.

This is the syringe in comparison to my usual BD pen needles.

Man! I am not scared of needles, but it took a little gumption to stick that sucker in myself. 😆😭

I can honestly barely feel it though *shrug*

Whats the biggest shot you've ever given yourself? I know some of you have to take IM (intramuscular) injections for vitamins and stuff. I know thems BIG 😳

You number ☝ for hitting your thigh with those bad boys!

Because you know I'm all about that pump

All About That Cure | JDRF

AHHHH how cute is this?! Its one of my favorite things! I just wanted to hop on real quick to share how I feel about medical technology (the Omnipod. specifically). I remember feeling so left out when I was first diagnosed because I didn't have all the fancy medical devices that everyone else had. 

Now that I have had those devices, and am unable to use them currently, I have my own opinions. 

I really loved/still love omnipod. I never experienced a tether pump, and I'd like to some time, but ominpod was/is truly awesome. When my insurance stuff got jacked up and I was no longer able to get medical equipment, I still had about 10 pods left. I have kept them and used them on occasion when I've felt burnt out. I have, in recent weeks, lost a lot of my appetite, but I think I've discovered the main cause of this- I'm lazy. 

Here is the succession of events for eating for me during quarantine:

1.  Decide if I am eating carbs 
2.  Make food
3.  Go hunt down my insulin pen or a syringe and vial of insulin (this is sometimes a daunting task, as I have been leaving stuff laying all over creation since I've been home all the time)
4.  Change my needle (maybe or not)
5.  Calculate carbs
6.  Take a shot
7.  Eat

Its honestly exhausting 😆 And I'm honestly just lazy. Plus, I've forgotten my insulin once or twice on the occasions when I have gone out, just because I got used to being at home where everything was readily available. 

So, I put on a leftover pod a couple days ago. HALLELUJAH FREEDOM. Oh man it was nice. Press a couple buttons and BAM insulin on the way and I can go about my life.  

My Endo recently told me that pumps are a "lifestyle" not really a medical necessity. Which I totally get. We decided that I cant wear a pump without wasting 20-30 units of insulin each time I wear one, because I cant use up the minimum amount required for a site change. I really felt like that was my answer on a pump- if it wastes insulin, its not worth it. 

But HOLY SMOKES its just so much easier 😩

I almost feel like my mental sanity is worth that 20-30 unit insulin waste if I ever get good incurance again. 

What are your thoughts?

Quick Humor and Deep Thoughts

Just wanted to hop on here and share this...
I was reading an adventure romance novel the other day where the couple was basically trekking the desserts of Africa. They stopped to sit atop a sand dune for a picnic.
I had this split second thought....
How is she keeping her insulin cold in the dessert? 
I laughed out loud. Then I thought how nice it must be to trek across a dessert and not worry about your blood sugar.
I think it is so crazy how normal these things (diabetes care) can become! To where it is literally ingrained in us that our subconscious automatically imagines every person has to think about the same things.

Sometimes, I think that makes it easier. I know diabetes should never be an "after thought" per say, but it almost becomes completely natural to do all the diabetes things because, well, it has to be natural if we want to live!

There are definitely times that it does not come naturally to me to think about my blood sugar. I eat relatively clean, minus the occasional breakdown/binge, and my blood sugar remains stable and controlled most of the time (Thank the Lord!) so sometimes I truly do forget.

During this quarantine especially, I am out of my routine of taking supplies with me everywhere I go. My sister lives beside us essentially, so we eat dinner and do things with them often. I walked up the hill to her house for dinner with my parents the other night, and then after getting there and sitting down to eat, I realized I didn't bring any insulin.

UGH I was so frustrated to have to walk back home to get it, and by the time I got back they were all mostly done with dinner. Its days like these I wish I had a pump. Its a little harder to forget something that's attached to you 😆

My boyfriend reminds me via phone (we are long distance) to check my BG every night. Without him there are definitely times I forget or just am half asleep and decide I feel fine and don't need to. I know, not safe, but I can count on one hand the times I've went low in the middle of the night.

Either way, since staying home all the time, my blood sugar has been around 120 going to bed every night. I like that predictability! I think its because I'm not eating out and I don't eat processed sugar when I eat at home.

I hope you all are holding up. Know you have my love, thoughts, and prayers!

Swing Low

Actually, please don't.

"If you are dating a girl who carries around juice boxes she's either too young for you or diabetic"

I've went low at least once everyday for the past four days. Mostly just due to over-blousing, not having the right carb count, or my eyes being bigger than my stomach. No matter the cause, it is less than pleasant.

I think everyone must experience lows differently. I have a friend who says they make her want to go sleep. Most people say they get super hungry. Others say they get sweaty and shaky. I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but when I'm low my chest gets tight. I start breathing really quick and heavy and I have a hard time organizing/expressing my thoughts. Sometimes I get really goofy, other times I'm really grumpy. Sometimes I have a hot flash, other times I cant walk straight. 

What are your low symptoms? 

*This is a post that was written in 2015 but is just now being published ;)

I'll add to this (in 2020) that I have had a few ROUGH lows. One time I pre-bolused at a restaurant that is usually really fast and they took WAY too long to bring food and I thought I would pass out. I was soaked in sweat by the time I flagged down a waitress to bring me something to treat. Often times if I get below 60, I have to lay in the floor or on a table to keep from paniking and over-correcting until the feeling of death passes. 

What are some of your low stories? 

All the Feels (the good, bad and ugly)

The good: my A1C was like, 5.6 or some craziness and I am in a prescription assistance program so that I can get insulin for free now (more on that later)!

The bad and the ugly, however, is the rest.

I promised in a recent social media post that I would share with you some questions I asked my Endo at a recent visit. Before I do though, I want to explain what drove me to these questions. You need to know a little bit about my insulin needs.

Truth is- I use very little insulin (some of you might know this already) and honestly I have even thought before, "How can I be type 1?" I use so much less insulin than anyone I've ever talked to in the diabetes community. This has always made me feel like an outsider, like a type one that's "not legit". I was recently denied the opportunity to participate in a drug trial that would have been extremely beneficial to me, because my "pancreatic function was too high".

For those of you whose only experience with diabetes is my myself,  here are some numbers for comparison: I can get away with FIVE units of long acting insulin, while some type ones can need as much as THIRTY or even more.

To type ones out there for some perspective, I cant even use up a minimum reservoir on a pump and usually ended up wasting insulin when I wore an omnipod.

Now, all that to say: my endo has told me multiple times I am a classically diagnosed type one with antibodies that prove for sure that I am dealing with autoimmune diabetes. But I wanted to know for sure at this last appointment..... could I get away with not taking insulin?

The answer was a hard no. My endocrinologist told me that because I have the potential to spike to the 300s (no matter how rare it may be) that I must continue insulin therapy. She does not recommend a closed loop system because she does not see it as necessary. She does not know of any pumps with a low enough reservoir to avoid wasting insulin. We cannot do inhalable insulin for mealtime boluses because of the increments it comes in. I absolutely cannot take any oral medicinal replacement for insulin.

So I honestly feel stuck.

Stuck with 4-5 injections a day and destined to be bruised and pricked multiple times a day even though we have technology to prevent (or at least decrease) that.

Oh goodness, I know I should not complain. I am so thankful my diabetes is less work to manage than most peoples. That I sleep good at night. That I do not often deal with crazy swings in my numbers.

But what STINKS is that I STILL have to prick, I still have to stick. I feel like I am teetering on this edge of true illness and faking it, but its a quick fall to reality when I truly do not put forth effort to manage my numbers (even if its less than others have to).

I have a chronic illness. One that will never go away. I have to remind myself of this, because sometimes I don't feel "worthy" to be labeled "type one". Ugh. How DUMB.

Well, there it all is, aired out in the open. I don't understand the purpose or see a point to this, but I'll bet I am not the only one who carries these type of weights.

No matter what I may feel however, the truth that I am sure of deep down in my heart is this: MY STRUGGLES DO NOT DEFINE ME and I should never seek to find contentment by looking around and comparing myself to others.

What happened when Peter started looking around? He SANK. DONT sink. The waves of depression, discontentment, discouragement, sadness, they are all waiting to overtake you.

Remember to look at Jesus. To take his hand. To trust him and whatever he is planning for your life.

Its difficult to explain why needing so little insulin is frustrating and why its hard to be thankful for the positive. I can see how none of this may make sense to someone who doesn't live in my brain.
But oh my friends, hear this: I find comfort in knowing that I can express my feelings, the good the bad and the ugly, to a God who understands and cares about every part of me.